Just Like Me: How to Build Curiosity and Empathy Using Stories
Have you ever been frustrated by someone that it impacts each interaction?
Rose, my client, kept showing up to all our meetings simmering and frustrated.
Turns out our meetings were scheduled right after she met with Walter.
They were both heads of business units in their Fortune 500 company and often had to connect and collaborate.
Each interaction with Walter left her discouraged.
He wasn’t mean or rude, but his focus seemed to stop at the priorities for his own business unit.
He never seemed interested in the things that were concerning to Rose.
She felt like he wasn’t listening and just didn’t care.
As each meeting approached, she would feel increasing dread.
After it would take her hours to reset how drained she felt.
After a few weeks, I said, “I keep hearing you say the same things about Walter. But I don’t hear you trying anything different.
When you fixate on your differences, you create an “Us vs. Them” mentality. Once you view someone as a “them,” your amygdala takes over. It perceives the person as a threat. Cortisol is increased and impacts your ability to think and communicate. Your defenses are up, and it makes interactions harder.
If you want to have a different conversation, you need to focus on where you are similar, not different. You need to start from a place of empathy and curiosity.”
I shared with her the “Just like me” activity (see below) and told her to read it before their next meeting.
Sure enough, not only did Rose and Walter have a different meeting, but our meeting also started differently.
Instead of venting, Rose was reflective.
She recognized how Just like me helped her be more open in their discussion.
They still had challenges to work through, but she could see more of his perspective than she had in any of their previous interactions.
Stressful times are ripe for “Us vs. Them” perspectives.
Particularly during periods of transitions and change like we are all currently experiencing.
My past few weeks have been filled with client discussions about culture considerations and how to lead hybrid teams inclusively.
I've heard rumblings of leaders suggesting if you choose to work from home, your career may suffer.
People that choose to work from home (Them) will be less likely to have informal conversations and network the way we will in the office (Us).
Instead of that being the result, that should be the starting point for reimagining work: how to lead inclusively regardless of where you employees sit.
The challenge isn't working location, it is a lack of leadership agility and problems with your culture.
The answer isn't to mandate everyone return to the office.
Instead, this is an opportunity to strengthen the gaps in your leadership development, culture and mindsets.
Helps your leaders become aware of when their bias' create exclusivity instead of inclusivity.
Givethem toolkits. Equip them to build empathy across teams, prompt curiousity in discussions and leave space for seeking different perspectives.
We are more alike than different and often need to be reminded.
*****
Just Like Me
Instructions: This is most effective when done 15 minutes before an interaction
Get to a quiet space where you can reflect and/or read aloud.
Think of the person you will be meeting with. Read through each sentence, pausing on it and thinking of the person before moving to the next sentence.
Notice what emotions pop up as you do this.
This person has a body and a mind, just like me.
This person has hopes and fears, just like me.
This person has thoughts, feelings, and emotions, just like me.
This person wants to belong, just like me.
This person has experienced sadness, frustration, disappointment, or anger, just like me.
This person is learning about life, just like me.
This person has made mistakes, just like me.
This person has experienced sadness, hurt or confusion, just like me.
This person wants to achieve personal goals, just like me.
This person experiences problems and challenges, just like me.
This person has felt inadequate or like an imposter, just like me.
This person wishes to be safe and healthy, just like me.
This person has experienced physical and emotional pain, just like me.
This person wishes to be healthy and loved, and to have fulfilling relationships, just like me.
This person wishes to be happy, just like me.
Because this person is a fellow human, just like me
Note: I am not the creator of this activity. A version of this was shared with me years ago. I’ve modified the statements a bit and try to use it to prep my mindset before difficult conversations.
***
Want to receive more articles like this one? Sign up for Brain Food here.
p.s. When you are ready, we are here to help you reimagine your culture, leaders and teams for this next phase of work.
