Better Icebreakers for Meetings (And Why Most Icebreakers Backfire)
Avoid doing this in your next team meeting, workshop, or retreat.
“I want to go around the room and have each person share their proudest moment from last week,” Simon said.
“Please don’t do that,” I exhaled in a whisper under my breath. I looked around the room of 15 strangers with expressions as skeptical as mine. Simon was a vendor presenting a bid for project work. His request made me curl my toes under the table. We were there to listen to his pitch, not share our personal moments.
I felt dread growing like a balloon expanding in my chest as my turn approached. This whole activity felt disingenuous. I started ruminating that Simon must have read some article about getting someone talking within the first five minutes of a meeting increases their likelihood to buy. He only had a few minutes to present, and this is how he wanted to use his time?
I had no interest in answering this question. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a proud moment—I had some great wins the week before. I wasn’t drawn to share them in a room full of people who didn’t know or care about me. It was pointless and felt vulnerable to tell a significant personal win to strangers. We hadn’t yet earned the right to hear that from one another—it was the wrong context.
I’m not good at faking things. I either go all in with something meaningful, or I am flippant. I heard the person next to me say, “My proudest moment last week was a really good call that helped move something forward.”
Now everyone is looking at me while I am faced with the turn that I didn’t want. Flippant won as I responded, “Same. I had a great call last week.” My delivery was so terrible that I didn’t even look up as I spoke. I looked like a dog that won’t meet your eyes after getting caught sneaking treats.
It was so obvious that my “ditto” response wasn’t truthful or real. But it didn’t matter. Because out of the 15 people in the room, I could only remember one response—the one that I copied from the person next to me. The icebreaker didn’t bond us, help us learn more about each other, or feel anything towards the vendor. It was a forced sharing exercise at its worst: lacking meaning and done in an environment without trust.
Trust and psychological safety
When there is a lack of trust or psychological safety, our neurological response feels heightened. Energy is wasted on anticipating or navigating the interactions, stifling our best work. It’s not hard to see why people end up burnt out and feeling depleted.
The best teams have embraced this idea of being able to make mistakes and be vulnerable with each other. But they don’t start there—and certainly not as a room of strangers. Icebreakers are wonderful tools, but you don’t cannonball into the pool of vulnerability first thing.
I’ve designed and facilitated many meetings, retreats, and offsites and regularly start with icebreakers. And I’m certain I have created the same toe-curling moment for participants that Simon created for me. Until I learned to focus on the context.
An effective icebreaker sets the context for the session and creates a foundation for team discussion. If you try to navigate conflict or work through complicated topics before establishing any layer of trust, people disengage, shut down, and become flippant. As the meeting ends, they won’t remember everything discussed, but they will remember their discomfort.
When you are trying to get people to share and learn about each other in a meeting or workshop, don’t start by asking them to reveal something personal. What is personal to some may be private to others. People get to choose what personal information they share and need time to warm up. Push them to do it too early and they will have a physical reaction—often triggering an increase in cortisol.
SEEK PERSPECTIVES
Plan an activity that allows people to contribute ideas or perspectives. Have them respond to a question or share insights from an article. Have people contribute a photo that embodies the theme of the meeting. If the icebreaker requires thought, give instructions in advance of the meeting so those that like reflection time can think about what they might want to contribute.
If in person, get them moving around the room. I’ve done many activities that involve building competitions or problem-solving. These generate energy, create bonding, form trust, and yield many related themes to unpack in the session.
One of my tricks is to plan an activity where people draw something related to the topic of the meeting. It takes people out of their heads and taps into their creative thinking. Most aren’t artists. There is a lot of laughter in the process of drawing. And every group has one person with a hidden talent for drawing.
I also weave storytelling into these sessions. As we share stories, oxytocin is released in response, and trust is formed. A future newsletter will share ideas on how to best do this.
Start in the wrong place and you cause people to shut down and disengage. This results in more walls being built that must be broken through to achieve the desired outcomes. Sessions are dependent on people being open and comfortable to contribute. Help establish trust through an activity to which everyone can easily respond.
Over the years of facilitating various leadership retreats, I’ve developed one rule: If I wouldn’t want to sit through the activity, I don’t make people do it.
Let’s pinky swear together, as you plan your meetings, retreats, and virtual sessions: no forced sharing. It drains more than it gives and there are much better ways to practice empathy and curiosity that can help you achieve your desired outcomes.
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Karen Eber is an author, TED and keynote speaker, and communication strategist who works with frontline leaders, senior executives, and C-suite teams at Fortune 500 companies. She partners with teams across sales, marketing, communications, HR, finance, operations, legal, and IT. She works across industries including healthcare, technology, financial services, manufacturing, energy, consumer goods, retail, professional services, education, and nonprofits — helping leaders turn complex information into clear, compelling stories that drive decisions and action. She is the author of The Perfect Story. Learn more about her keynotes and workshops at kareneber.com/speaking.
