You Must be This Tall to Ride
Rethinking Feedback at Work
Tis the time of year of performance reviews, year-end conversations, and dreaded feedback. But what if you approach it differently this year?
A few years ago, a professional services firm reached out wanting help creating a feedback culture. Their goal was to build an environment where senior leaders could tell junior staff alllllllll the things they were doing wrong. They believed employees were defensive and didn’t accept what they were told. From their perspective, the employees needed “fixing,” and “they had to learn to accept all feedback.” They were convinced an hour-long workshop would teach staff how to appreciate the feedback.
As the leaders ranted, red flags whipped around. The staff were the problem. There was no interest in discussing how the leaders prepared for feedback, how they delivered it, or even what counted as feedback. It was as if I had asked, “Tell me about feedback at your company, wrong answers only.”
We did not work together.
Our philosophies were completely misaligned. Leaders must give feedback, but a feedback culture invites everyone to share it. It’s when an employee can tell a leader what resonated during coaching or suggest a different approach for a team. Treating feedback as a top-down activity stifles communication, development, and collaboration.
Feedback is a necessary part of performance, growth, and culture. Yet many still cling to outdated beliefs, weighed down by the baggage of how feedback was mishandled in the past.
How We Got Here
Traditional Performance Management
It was originally built as an operations process to protect companies from liability. Development was secondary. Managers gathered “feedback” from colleagues and turned it into an annual review. They’d spend five minutes discussing your strengths and 45 minutes dissecting how you should improve, often using vague examples from months prior.Rank and Yank
Jack Welch popularized a system that categorized 20% of employees as high performers, 70% as adequate, and 10% as disposable, creating unhealthy behaviors. Open communication disappeared, silos formed, and people performed “success theater” to appear indispensable. Competition replaced collaboration. Creativity and innovation suffered.
Why Feedback Still Sucks
Even though feedback can be a helpful tool, most people dread giving or receiving it.
We don’t want to make others feel bad.
Feedback isn’t meant to be personal, but it feels personal. People fear saying the wrong thing, hurting feelings, or creating conflict. They avoid it, sugarcoat it, or unload everything at once, making it worse for everyone.It focuses on what’s wrong.
Feedback often spotlights what needs improvement but ignores what’s going well and how to do more of it. That imbalance leaves people feeling inadequate instead of supported.It lacks authenticity.
When feedback mainly happens during formal reviews, it feels like a process to survive, not something to learn from. Instead of being a moment that matters, it becomes one that deflates.
Not All Feedback is Equal
While there’s plenty of advice on how to deliver feedback, few talk about the types of feedback. Much of what people call feedback isn’t about performance at all, it’s just opinion.
I once had a yoga teacher who gave two distinct types of feedback: performance-based and opinion-based.
“Do this so you don’t hurt yourself.”
This was true performance feedback: specific adjustments needed to avoid injury. Clear, specific, and outcome based.“Try playing with this. Experiment to see what works for you.”
These were opinion based: Here are some things that have worked for me and may work for you. These encourage experimentation and self-awareness to figure out what feels right.
The line at work may be fuzzier, but the distinction still matters.
Performance-based feedback is about behavior that affects results, relationships, or outcomes. It’s typically tied to expectations, goals or performance standards. E.g., In yesterday’s client meeting, you interrupted the client twice while they were speaking. Next time, let the client finish before responding or they feel fully heard.
This kind of feedback is actionable, specific, and focused on impact.
Opinion-based feedback is shaped by personal preferences or style rather than performance:
Your voice is too high.
You use too many exclamation points.
You don’t speak up enough in meetings.
These are vague, subjective, and lack context or measurable impact. They’re not performance derailers, they’re preferences. Yet they can spark self-awareness if framed the right way:
Try lowering the pitch of your voice slightly in meetings and notice if people lean in more.
Experiment with using one exclamation point per message and notice if it changes the tone
I value your insights. Next week, try contributing one idea per meeting.
The “Tall Enough to Ride” Rule
What if we put a rule on feedback like the one at amusement parks?
“You must be this tall to ride.” Or in this case, You must prepare to give feedback.
Don’t save feedback for mid-year or year-end reviews. Every few weeks, spend a few minutes thinking about what you’ve observed and what’s worth sharing.
Plan Your Message
Clarify your message. What do I want the person to understand or achieve?
Consider their mindset. How might they perceive this message based on what they know?
Identify the type. Is this performance-based or opinion-based?
If it’s performance-based, be specific and collaborative:
What happened? What did you observe? Include specific examples and timing.
What was the impact of the action? What happens if nothing changes?
What would you like to see going forward?
What do they think?
What support do they need?
If it’s opinion-based, frame it like the yoga teacher:
What did you observe?
What suggestions do you have?
o Experiment with this and see what you notice…
o Try this and see how it works for you…
What do they think?
Being Prepared Means Recognizing Two Truths
I won’t care about your feedback unless I believe you care about me as a person. We all receive endless opinions from colleagues, social media, and everywhere in-between. The source matters. We value feedback from people we trust.
Stop calling feedback a gift.
That phrase is as annoying and as misleading as saying your work is your family. Feedback is a tool, not a present. Calling it a gift excuses poorly delivered, unhelpful comments.
When we say, “Feedback is a gift,” it implies, You should be grateful for whatever I give you. But feedback only has value if the recipient finds it useful, relevant, and well-delivered. Otherwise, it’s like getting a sweater that doesn’t fit. It’s something you didn’t want and can’t use.
Feedback often stirs defensiveness, fear, or shame, especially when it’s unexpected. Labeling it as a gift dismisses those emotions and implies people should feel guilty for not being grateful.
This Year, Try Something Different
Don’t just point out what’s wrong.
Don’t mistake opinions with performance.
And listen as much as you tell.
Make feedback what it was always meant to be, a dialogue, not a diagnosis.
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